10 Things That Lasted Longer Than The Confederacy
But history! But my great great great grandpappy! But my historical statue paid for by the Klan! You can throw as many buts around as you like for hanging on to your white supremacy, but the fact is that the Confederate States of America didn’t last that long. No amount of flags will change that.
The original CSA constitution was signed on February 8, 1861, so we shall use this as the official date, even though South Carolina had first seceded from the Union in December 1860. The Confederate government was officially dissolved May 5, 1865. 4 years and just shy of 3 months. Knowing that, you now have something additional to celebrate on Cinco de Mayo.
Surely lots of important, and very unimportant, things have lasted longer than 4 years and some change. I have shirts that have lasted longer. This calls for a list. We all love lists.
In no particular order, I now give to you the 2020 list of 10 things that lasted longer than the Confederacy.
- Mountain Dew
I figured I should start off with something created in the ol’ CSA. Mountain Dew was created in Tennessee in 1940. And one of it’s original marketing logos included a local yokel named Willy the Hillbilly.
We have been “doing the dew” for 80 freaking years and it doesn’t appear to be stopping any time soon.
2. J Lo and Marc Anthony
Some of you probably forget Jennifer Lopez allowed people to marry her. The Confederates did outlast her first two marriages combined.
Then she married friend and fellow Latinx singer Marc Anthony. They were together for 10 years. Take that, pendejos!
3. U2
The Irish lads who gave us a kick ass song about Martin Luther King Jr’s assassination, have been together since the 70's. The current band name and lineup has been with us since 1978.
No lineup changes, no breaks, no retirement shows, or coming out of retirement shows.
4. Fax
Do you have a case of the Mondays or forgot the new TPS report cover sheets? I’ll just fax you a copy!
The facsimile is the concept that will not die. Scanners? Email? HA! The very 1st patent was approved in 1843, well before telephones, or the Confederacy, were invented.
5. South Sudan
The youngest nation on the planet gained its independence from The Republic of The Sudan in 2011.
Most of it’s history has been strife with its own civil war, lasting from 2013 up until February 2020.
Not only has the nation lasted longer than the Confederacy, even its civil war was longer.
6. Hannah Montana
Everyone’s favorite gravel voiced secret teen idol gave Disney viewers almost 5 years of her life from March 2006 to January 2011 — just eeking out a victory over the rebels.
The real Miley is also a product of Tennessee. Daddy Billy Ray says the show may be returning as a prequel.
7. Hi-C Ecto Cooler
Hi-C co-branded it’s existing green Citrus Cooler drink with the hugely popular Ghostbusters movie by slapping Slimer on it and changing its name to Ecto Cooler in 1989.
The branding lasted until 1997. It made a brief nostalgic run again in 2016. Even tangerine juice lasts longer than traitors.
8. Bicycle
Traveling on 2 wheels was invented before any of us existed. The first “dandy horse” was unveiled in 1817.
The US army first used bikes with an all black 25th Infantry Bicycle Corps, riding 1900 miles in 1897 from Montana (Hey Miley!) to St. Louis. Get on your bikes and ride!
9. The Republic of Texas
We all know Texas is big. Just ask a Texan. It has also been under the control of 6 different nations — Spain, France, Mexico, USA, CSA, and itself! The Republic won its independence from Mexico in 1836 and was annexed by the US in 1845.
Texas had a longer run on its own than with the Confederacy.
10. USFL
Before the World League. Before XFL. There was USFL.
Despite only playing 3 seasons, the United States Football League was founded in 1982, ceasing operations in 1986. But spurned on by an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL, the league itself lasted on paper until 1988, and in the court system until 1990.
The demise of the league began when the owner of the New Jersey Generals, a novice idiot named Donald Trump, pushed the league to play in the fall, going head to head with the NFL. That decision would ultimately not end well. The 1986 season never happened. The USFL’s court Pyrrhic victory over the NFL ended with its own destruction and a check for $3.76. Hopefully we will come out better than that after the next election.
